Tuesday, October 16, 2012

How to realize your best friend is really dead

Sit in your room and get into your now-regular thought process of how you just can't deal with people anymore.

Watch a prolonged television show episode that so happens to be about someone thinking the same thing who got better through therapy

Finish the episode and wonder if you can't do this by yourself anymore, and that you need help. Try to shrug off the thought that you don't really want help because you don't really want to get better, as you see it would  be pointless anyway.

Remember this song you've come across earlier in the day at work and thought you should give it a good listen when you get home.

This is the song.

Remember that you couldn't look up the lyrics because lyrics websites were prohibited by your work server. Look up the lyrics.

These are the lyrics.

Decide you're going to keep downloading as many albums by this band as you can before you shut down your computer. Stare at the band's name, let it, for some reason, remind you that it's been a while since you checked IWroteThisForYou. Check IWroteThisForYou. Get confused on whether you actually want the possible new post to speak to you or not. If it would finally get you to see things differently, to see them for what they are, that is.

Find that this is the new post.

Notice that the song is still on repeat. Keep staring at the photo on the post and at the text. Read the title of the post once again and surprise yourself with a thought 

The sun has left the earth...

Cry before you know it. Look through the tears at the date on your computer. It says October 16th. It's been a little over two and a half months, and this is the first time you feel it.

Surprise yourself with another thought as you stare at the word sun. Your mind just responded to this stare by bringing up an old picture of her in which she was wearing a top with giant sunflower on it.

It also pointed out that the first time you went through her pictures after she died, you paused at this particular photo and you remembered she looked especially pretty in it.

You're making sounds now as you cry. And somehow, also your hands are now covering your face.

For two whole minutes, she was really gone.

Stop crying abruptly. Realize this was practically the first time you cry since her death. That time you cried the day she died was more of an overdue reaction to the emotional build-up of her accident two and a half years go, not her death.

Somehow find yourself back to wherever you were before those two minutes.

Realize this is the closest you could get to reality in a long time to come.

Now try to get that picture with the sunflower top off of your mind, and fail.