" I Want To Change The World..

Instead, I sleep."


I'm afraid this line is ringing way too literal for the time being, and it shouldn't. I'm also afraid music has gotten way too deep into my system. Not that I would want to get it out, but it would have been cool to know I could. I cannot write without music (not just have it on, I'm talking about basing-upon here), I cannot drive without music, I cannot think without music. My internal playlist terrifies me, having mentioned the thinking part. You know how you find yourself caught up in your head but you have no idea what the thoughts actually are? the song playing in the background,and sometimes out loud without me noticing, is the one that gives me the clues. I haven't even come to realize this except very recently, relative to the time since I started being serious about my music, which is approximately two years ago,for the record.

In one of my other lives, which is naturally one of my most pensively visited ones, I have walked out on my whole life and started over toute neuve as a musician. One that always wears a hat, for some reason. That includes Everything I knew, everything I've been, and ever wanted to be...and everyone I've known.

Which reminds me, I always wonder why the thought of cutting your ties with everyone around you seems very relieving at times. Not fighting, just stopping everything. I don't get this kind of thought out of feeling I don't love my people or that I don't enjoy being around them, or even that I wish to have other ones instead or anything, it's rather the idea itself. This thought, of course, runs in all directions across my mind like a ridiculously inebriated bird, only when the ugly face of lonesomeness brings to a nap, behind the stocks of faces I keep at the back of my head.

I'm sleeping way more than I should these days, and it's so not because I have nothing to do. Midterms are in 3 days and my progress is the exact of half a chapter over 20. The one-month novel project I've started has not gotten more than a paragraph past its second chapter, and is dead at it so far. I put my main character up on a mountain and I left him there, not knowing where I would throw him next. Yesterday was the first time I got close to catching a remote hint about the plot. This should have gotten me to sort of branch these basic threads to drive up the pathetically late word-count requirement. But it hasn't, really. Right now I am doubting the fact that I can finish by the end of the month, as the project entails. On the other hand, I still managed to come closest than I had ever been to writing a book. This had been on my list since I was introduced to the concept of lists itself.
It's because...It's just because I will have to say something, one day. I can't die without figuring it out, and I don't believe I will die before I do. I still believe that even when the worst comes, more often that it seems it should, to the worst, it's all a puzzle in the making. You need the fragments before you can start trying to fit them together. And it's a high price to pay, that I realize too, but I can't control it for the most part, so I might as well make any use of it. I might actually be saying that I have accepted the existence of all the fragments. Even the heaviest ones on my chest, the most harmful ones to my sense of self, and how cruel they can be when they accumulate and fall upon me where the sounds of their edges crashing down resonates in my ears and madly chases me into forgetting about the world, and sleeping.

But of course I want to change the world! Oh I want to do everything! and I will, world, I will. Just as soon as I wake up. In our definition, it takes a tad more than opening your eyes, and a few more than one beam of sun...doesn't it?

You can still see me, though. In the times of consciousness that spring between, like random flashes from a previous night's dream. When the labels are still blurred and we cannot identify one another, but nevertheless are immensely thankful for the shortcoming.

So until the beams gather, until the knees hold up, until the shield is lifted, I will meet you there, in the next momentary outburst of senseless enchantment.