7:27

Tell me it's a lie. Tell me that when I'm on the road and the skies are still in their orange darkness hour, as I listen to a song about home, that it's all a lie.

Tell me that when I'm thinking of it and the tears slip before I can realize it, that it's just the effect of years and years of make-believe. Tell me I belong here. Tell me nothing of what I think is waiting, is. Tell me to get out the stack of get-out thoughts out of the car next time I get in. Tell the car to stop making this much sense to me. Tell me to hold on without it necessarily being for one meticulously crafted result. Tell me to sit down, and cry. And then keep telling me not to stop, until the flood washes away everything that stands in my view. Because the view at 7:27 does not look bad, at all.

Words are irrelevant, as of this full-stop.

Except for maybe these:
"Hey, good luck exploring the infinite abyss."

And Say This On Repeat.

On second thought, I should consider practicing my fuck-everything smile more often. Life should not move disproportionally against one's tolerance level.

Currently listening to: Nothing, actually. This is not a music-induced post, for a change.

Yesterday.

Here goes the time of the year where you just know autumn is bound to be around the corner, and that summer can't last as long as it already has.

As great as this piece of fact on its own is to an autumn/winter person, that's not entirely why the first day in every month, as of September each year, have started to wash over me with unreasonable excitement. That reminds me of something, though. Not that long ago, I used to get what's called "weather blues" at times of seasons-changing. So I can safely say my weather-sensitive biological reactions know of only extremes.

But at that, I know I can now induce the other extreme much better. And that is good to know. That is really, really good to know.

On a random note, I believe in birthdays. I always say it's one day the universe owes you. People should take their birthdays seriously. They should let it show them who they've become. They should listen to what that new number is trying to say. It always has useful things to say, regardless of whether it comes in as as a pat on the shoulder or a kick in the stomach.

On a not so random note, however; the skill of not giving a shit when it comes to what shouldn't be given a shit about anymore, is a worthy investment of time and effort, if you ask me.

It's the time of times, again.

There..

Is that the point where you find yourself , somehow, realizing you're becoming everyone you never wanted to become? Is that the point where a line of thought appears sensible out of certain sequences of events, leading you to start, more than ever, considering that your dreams were never really yours?

You used to be someone you know by now you were not. And now that you're at it, you're all-(most of)-the things you didn't see coming your way, or you going theirs, so to speak.

Who the hell are you, then? Were you ever, to begin with? The benefit of the doubt is the only instrument that keeps you sane.

"If you keep going over the past, you're going to end up with a thousand pasts and no future." - The secret in their eyes

I Might Have Been.

Right now. Right at this moment in time, I have absolutely no idea who I am, what I am, where I am, or how I am. None. Whatsoever. No exaggeration. Too many mixed signals to be able to conclude anything sensible.

But I'm free.

I'm strong and I'm free. I'm confused but I'm free. I'm self indulgent and incredibly lazy but I'm free. And I'm scared, I'm terrified down my own skin, but I'm free. I don't feel, but I'm free, I never sleep well but I'm free. I go through daily roller coaster mood rides that, unlike roller coasters, never really end, but I'm free. I curse more than I ever used to, but I'm free. And I don't believe enough, but I'm free.

Make no mistake, I don't know why I'm free either, but that doesn't make me any less free.

Mentioning roller coasters, I once heard that the best way to enjoy those was to close your eyes during the ride. I tried that, it felt like being asleep on a bus. I never really got how that could be the best way to feel the thrill. So, well, don't close your eyes in roller coasters, or you might as well walk right past them and fetch the nearest bus.

One day, I will write a story about this song. It's just not today.

I need to speak to a wall.

AND I'M FREE. FREEFALLIN',

Fallin'..

That's Why We Have Blogs, Isn't It?

- Our minds really do have an overwhelming ability to make whatever we think look real. This ability, though, is very seldom exercised where it really should be . And that's my idea of be careful what you wish for.

- Somewhere between the process of growth and the point of maturity with regards to a certain portion of one's life, occurs an anomalous leap along the pattern. At this point, the perfect amounts of knowledge and confidence will collide, generating what I choose to call, the awaited awesomeness. You could either welcome it with cries of excitement, or just an assured smile. That would only depend on whether or not you've continued to see it coming, no matter how many times it might have seemed like it won't be.

- When your best friend has been unconscious for over 5 months, the fact that you don't feel like shit all the time does not mean you have moved on. Nonetheless, the thought that you might have moved on, even in the tiniest bit, will manage to make you feel like shit again.

- Doubting your feelings can be the healthiest thing you can do with them. The tricky part is in learning how to still see, and allow yourself to enjoy the beauty of uncertainty while it is tucked in its hideous, smelly compartment.

- The words "young woman in her twenties" still freak the crap out of me, even though I have accepted and gladly welcomed the happening of adulthood to my life.

- I have my gratitude list written down and I am not afraid to use it anymore. And well, when it comes to certain items on the list, at least I try now.

- Loving someone the way they are, for who they are, will end up changing the way you are, for what you are. Pun is intended and stressed upon.

Damien Rice - Dogs
Bob Dylan - Blowing in the wind
Paolo Nutini - White Lies

"Like endless rain into a paper cup." *

More often than not, much to my wondering disappointment, I just find myself winding up around the old yet nonetheless unwavering tracks.

In my proud defense, I'm changed, but in their humbling one, they're not.

*Across The Universe.

Fear.

I would rather admire you with the color-blind eye. This is how I could still get things done.